Category: Midnight Thoughts

I would tell Her about You

When my daughter comes home telling how a boy asked for her name, I would tell her about you. When she comes home sharing how this boy told her she’s beautiful and how this made her smile, I would tell her about you. When she feels conscious of how she should present herself- the way she dresses, laughs, walks, or even fixes her hair, I would tell her about you. When she checks her phones from time to time and giggles every time this boy would send a message, I would tell her about you. When she decides to sleep late at night just to talk with this boy, I would tell her about you. When the time comes when she cries because the boy no longer replies, I would still tell her about you. When she becomes wretched because the “no replies” becomes “no longer in my life,” I would still tell her about you. And if one day she asks “Why,” I would simply, once again, tell her about you- the boy I met and loved, but never became man enough.

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To my Almost Lover

You were the best guy friend I had in college. You made me laugh when I was sad. You took me out on dates. You brought me to parties and plays. You served as my sounding board. It was an effortless friendship. The time with you was splendid that at one point, I found myself liking you. But I did not know, and I will never know, if I liked you romantically. But I liked you back then– how you talked to me, how you cheered me up, how you walked me home and offered your jacket, how you were as a person. I was in a relationship back then, yet I occasionally thought of leaving him for you. But I was scared. I was scared thinking that if we become more than friends, we would not be able to hold on to each other for long. I was scared thinking about the moment we part ways, the friendship would be gone as well. I was scared of losing you because I wanted you to be always part of my life. We never became a thing but the sad part is, even though we did not cross the border from friends to lovers, I still lost you. You’re still no longer in my life now.

 

I’m that Girl.

I’m that girl with astronomical visions. I’m that girl who grew up planning every stage of life as it is from schooling, testing, graduating, and working. I’m that girl who once told herself that someday “I’ll be big. I’ll make huge impacts. I’ll make my parents and all other people who know me so proud.” I’m that girl filled with aspirations and high hopes for the future. But I’m also that girl who tripped. I’m also that girl who once met Love gave and fold in all at once. I’m that girl who got knocked up out of a connubial rite. I’m that girl who got compelled to wed because of the “mistake,” which I still don’t know if I regret or not. I’m that girl who decided to settle down even if there was just so little to settle. And while I’m that girl that’s happily taking care of a husband and a daughter, I’m that girl who sometimes questions if the universe willfully directed my life or if it robbed me of my chances at choices. I’m that girl that’s okay being okay. But I’m also that girl who’s at the end of the day stares at the ceiling and says, “I’m the woman.”

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I’ll never be the girl that I want to be because life has transformed me to the woman I ought to be.

To the One Who Stayed :)

Why did I marry my husband? Often I would think that it was because I got pregnant outside of marriage, but when I look at what we’ve been through carefully, I realize that I actually decided on marrying him the day I said “yes” when he asked me “Crush mo na din ako, no?” I then asked myself, “Why did I say yes?” Then memories come down like rain pouring.
Ten years ago, I was scared of commitments. I committed myself to a guy when I was younger, and I whole heartedly thought that I would end up with him, but I did not– he vanished like thin air the moment we parted ways after graduation. So when I met new guys after him, to say that I pushed them away was an understatement. I was unsure if I could ever commit myself again. Then my-now-husband came. We started out as friends, so when he told me that he likes me, I was scared af. There was nothing I could do at that time but to push him away. I created distance. I stopped talking to him. I did not reply to his texts. I even avoided making eye contacts with him. I did this for a month or two. The entire conundrum was upsetting. I did not want to push him away, but I was scared. I thought that just like the other men that I was able to successfully push away he would leave. But he didn’t. He stayed. I told him I could not promise anything. It did not bother him; he simply said, “Ok lang. Ok lang ako kahit magkaibigan lang tayo.” So we started talking again, and before I knew it, I was not scared anymore.

6PM thoughts on death

 

I can still remember when I was in high school,  I told my self I wanted to die at the age of 25. I thought, “This world is so cruel, so why would I want to live longer here?” But as I age, the thought of death became more and more frightening. When I was 24, I was totally freaking out. I thought, “Baka huling taon ko na ito.” Crazy. But I did not die hence this post.

Now, I am married and a mother of a little girl that my husband and I named Cinnamon, and in contrast to the idea that I should have understood life more by now, I don’t. I don’t understand the idea of death. I don’t understand why we are given life, pushed to work hard just to live through it, and then at the end just die. And what happened to us when we die? How do we know we’re dead?  We have no idea. What do we call that? Is that life? 

Two Things I would Like To Accomplish This Year

Having a New Year’s Resolution is too valiant because I know that by the end of January, I have forgotten my list already. Haha. So, to be more realistic, I have set two things that I would like to accomplish before this year ends. Yes- only two. Para mas madaling ma-achieve!

  1. Learn How To Drive. Husband and I bought our first car two years ago. While I am not the car/driver type of person, maybe because of my past bad experiences on the road, I still tried learning how to drive. However, I picked the wrong teacher- my husband. During our “lessons,” we would always end up fighting.

    Edison: Di ba sabi ko break? Me: Nagbreak na nga ako, dahan dahan lang! Edison: Mababanga na, dahan dahan pa ang break? Ano yun?! Me: Eh kasi sabi mo hindi maganda ‘pag biglang break! 

    After the incident where I almost hit a motor cycle, I stopped it (In my defense, he was over speeding and was going to do a wrong turn!). Plus, I fear being the designated driver during out-of-town trips, and the idea of losing my precious travel sleeps– noooo! But this year should be different. We are already in Zamboanga, so traffic is lesser evil, and husband has his work already, so I can’t have him as my personal driver. I would not opt to learn to drive had the weather here in Zambo is cool, but no. So ayun, driving lesson, here I come!

  2. Buy UP Shirts/Jackets. I’m a proud Iska myself, but I have never bought a single UP shirt. Okay fine, may isa– yung required shirt sa PE class ko. I’m not sure why, but I would like to think that it is because (1) during my time, these printed shirts and jackers were rare, and if one wants it, Diliman is the only place to go. Well, I studied in Los Banos, so the travel time is too loooonnnng; (2) there were some sellers in the vicinity of UPLB (Hi, Shapers!), but the designs were not good (sorry!), and the sizing was not my type. Remember those free sizes shirts, which students, especially girls, need to alter? And (3) when the shirt business hit my Alma Mater, I was already in Manila pursuing what they call “life.” So this year would be my year to buy UP shirts and jackets. I’m planning to make this an official part of my itinerary when I visit UPLB mid this year. I hope the sellers would have good designs!

See? My list is far from the usual New Year’s resolution! 😀 No losing weight, no traveling, no saving, no paasa goals! Haha My two goals are very much realistic and achievable! Wait as I post driving lesson photos and OOTDs using my UP shirts/jackets! xoxo

Burger Queens

I’m so excited, but I’ve no one to talk to right now, so here I am! Why am I excited? Well, primarily, my long-time dream of establishing my own burger joint is beginning to look a lot like reality. Yay!

Husband and I really want to open a resto. Initially, pasta and burger are the main menu; he’d take care of the burger, and I would handle the pasta. Recently, a mall opened in our small town, and boy oh boy, all people in my town appeared to be charmed by the mall! At that point I saw an opportunity to open up the business. But then reality hits me right in the face- I’m broke from the holiday season, so I don’t have capital.

But the Lord hears our prayers! A friend told me she’s interested in the business, and she’s willing to be my capital partner! Hooray! Now, all that I need to do is come up with the solid plan, canvas the rates, and finalize designs. It’s still a long way ahead, but hallelujah! At least, I’m beginning!

Today’s word in the prayer & fasting manual is all about having faith and claiming God’s blessings. And with that, I claim favors and success in this new venture! To God be the glory! 🙂