Why did I marry my husband? Often I would think that it was because I got pregnant outside of marriage, but when I look at what we’ve been through carefully, I realize that I actually decided on marrying him the day I said “yes” when he asked me “Crush mo na din ako, no?” I then asked myself, “Why did I say yes?” Then memories come down like rain pouring.
Ten years ago, I was scared of commitments. I committed myself to a guy when I was younger, and I whole heartedly thought that I would end up with him, but I did not– he vanished like thin air the moment we parted ways after graduation. So when I met new guys after him, to say that I pushed them away was an understatement. I was unsure if I could ever commit myself again. Then my-now-husband came. We started out as friends, so when he told me that he likes me, I was scared af. There was nothing I could do at that time but to push him away. I created distance. I stopped talking to him. I did not reply to his texts. I even avoided making eye contacts with him. I did this for a month or two. The entire conundrum was upsetting. I did not want to push him away, but I was scared. I thought that just like the other men that I was able to successfully push away he would leave. But he didn’t. He stayed. I told him I could not promise anything. It did not bother him; he simply said, “Ok lang. Ok lang ako kahit magkaibigan lang tayo.” So we started talking again, and before I knew it, I was not scared anymore.