We often talk causally, but I never thought that you would bring up the past once again in one of your private messages. It has been ten years since we made the promise to meet again months before graduating college in 2010, which we did not really achieve. On that day, I was already in a relationship, and since the promise was romantically founded, we saw no reason to still pursue it. So, life continued for us but separately.
When social media became a thing, we started to reconnect again. However, the reconnection was just more of kamustahan– no less, no more. Last month, we had our 10th high school reunion. Before that day, we chatted a lot because of the preparations done. It was all normal until your tone changed after the reunion. You wanted to talk about “us”.
At first, I was hesitant. I was unsure how to feel. Yes, you were my first love. Yes, we made a vow to meet again. And yes, you have a place in my heart. But I am already married. The special place that once meant for you is already filled in by another man– the man who came in my life during the times when you were nowhere to be found; when you decided to stray away and be with someone else; when you chose building your self than us. I was not certain about what the conversation’s significance would be. But then two of my best friends told me to just go on. After all, “reminiscing” is usually our thing as high school classmates. So, we did.
Far from what I expected, the talk was effortless, and it was very candid. You told me how I was to you back then– that I was intimidating due to my confidence, that you would habitually write my name on your notebooks, that I was your Kate Middleton, that you thought I was really “the one.” On the other hand, I told you what you were to me– my ultimate dream and my one and only– constant crush from first year until we graduate and reach college, that I always practice my signature with your last name on it.
More than these, we talked of the specific times in our young high school life. You told me how anxious and shy you were during our prom night about asking me to dance, which you managed to overcome thanks to the push of Leda and Ara. Conversely, I told you about how I felt when lower class men would ask help from me in befriending you: bad trip and bakod galore Lol And we talked about how Ate Rachel would flirt with you and how you talked her away. Remember how you told her she was like a p*kp*k?! I never thought the talk would be fun!
Then, we maneuvered to talking about the “what ifs”. I’m not sure, but I think I began it when I asked you, “Pero kung naging tayo man, sa tingin mo magtatagal tayo? Aabot ng wedding? Sa tingin ko hindi…” In all honesty, I said these words because I cannot picture my self married to another man than my husband, but I was shocked with what you replied. After some off-topic exchanges, you noted, “ako naman tingin ko aabot tayo.” Kru Kru Kru… Good thing you added, “sa cubao”. Hahahahaha
After the “what ifs”, we focused on talking about the remembrance of the past that we still keep. I told you about the bracelet that I kept that Mai-mai and Gian made for us. Mine had a letter “A”, and yours had a letter “J”. I also told you about the card you gave me with a poem you wrote for me. We had a good laugh about the poem and how grammatically incompetent it was, and how I read it every night during my freshman year (kahit na comm major ako! haha) For your part, you told me that you kept a letter I gave you with noting but “To (insert your name here)…” You also kept a photo of me– a 1×1 photo of me! Lol
Then, we again talked about what happened to us. Why did we not end up with each other? I told you about my side: I held on to the promise for as long as I can until during our freshman year, second semester, I heard the news that you already have a girlfriend. It crushed me, and I thought, “wala na ‘to.” So, I decided to move on. This is the time I met Edison, which is my husband now. Then, you told your side. You told me that it was not a serious relationship– that the girl only pushed her self to you, that you broke up after two weeks. Whoa. “Yun pala nangyari,” I thought. February 2010, a few days before the date we were supposed to meet, you texted me about our “promise.” As mentioned above, we decided not to meet. At this point, you told me how, “(ako) naman ang nawalang ng pag-asa.”
There were other things that we talked about, and you even joked about me writing a novel about us. You lamented that our story is like a telenovela to which I replied with, “but not with the ending most have.” You then said, “di naman lahat may happy ending.” I did not want our conversation to go that way (yung sad kyeme), so I responded, “Being friends with you is a happy ending for me, teh :)”
After our chat, you blocked me because your girlfriend read our conversation, and she got jealous, which I totally understand. 🙂
The conversation was filled with the promising details of the past, ones that we tried to build but was not able to do so because of how the universe interrupted. One thing that I realized from this experience is that, we would always plan our life ahead, but it is only His will that will happen. Moreover, it is the littlest details in our life that make everything more exciting, and at some points, these smallest details create the biggest impacts. Had I known that your girlfriend was not serious back in freshman year of college, I would have held on to the promise, but I did not know about it perhaps because it is not His will. Yet, at the end of the day, here we are– happy with our life. Satisfied with our positions. Fulfilled with our relations. At least, for me. 🙂